The Dr. Mario Champion

In my prime I was one of the top ten or so best Dr. Mario players in America. I was a senior in high school, I was utterly unbeatable, and I was so nonchalant about my primacy that my brother and father, avid Dr. Mario players themselves, might have considered plotting my murder.

At the time, my brother had just graduated law school, my father had just retired from his job, and, as far as I could tell, they had both decided to take a year off to play Dr. Mario. And play they did, incessantly, all day and all night, in my room, on the weekends as I tried to court my future wife, and late into the weekday nights as I tried to rest up for school.

I never played but when I did I crushed them easily. I was so good I mystified everyone. To tell the truth I mystified myself too. How was I so good? I don't know. It might have been drugs.

Anyway, that year I met my Dr. Mario match: Mr. Mallozzi. Mr. Mallozzi was the special education teacher at my school. In the second half of my senior year I devoted a portion of my time to hanging out with the special ed. kids. I went down into the bowels of the school once a day and hung out with the most lively, fun-loving, and chaotic group of kids I had ever met in my life. Most of the kids had Down's Syndrome; a few had severe Autism.

Mr. Mallozzi was their task-master. He was also the center of their world; I entered his realm like an outsider, arousing suspicion and giggles. One of the most treasured activities was video games. We played Nintendo for hours on a beat up old television. One day I mentioned Dr. Mario and Mallozzi went off.

I am the greatest Dr. Mario player alive, he said.

I have to admit, his gusto impressed me.

No way, I said.

And so the stage was set. It must have been a Thursday. Mallozzi set up a Grand Match for Friday afternoon. I skipped it as I skipped every Friday.

When I came back, Monday, the kids actually hissed and booed. I looked on the chalkboard. In bold letters it said: Mallozzi winner--Seth Loser.

The kids thought I had wimped out. I was pissed. I loudly proclaimed a challenge on the spot. Malozzi agreed with all the venom he could muster.

I have never, ever so fully dominated as I did that afternoon. The kids cheered; I pumped my fist; Malozzi nearly exploded.

The very next day, I walked into the class and Ms. H, Mallozzi's assitant teacher, handed me a bouquet of roses. The entire class cheered and hailed me, The Winner. And of course, the chalkboard was amended. It said: Mallozzi loser--Seth winner.

Mallozzi came up to me, gave me a big hug. He was that type of guy. I loved him, even though I kicked his ass.